It feels so good to be physically near someone like this again and it isn't that Luke is especially selective about the people he's willing to touch, but there just hasn't been anyone like Reid in a very long. He cared about Mindy, he still cares for her, he even thinks it could have developed into something more had he not realized that she had feelings for someone else. What Luke wants is something long term, something more than simply casual, and she hadn't wanted that from him, which is fine. He's not upset by it, he hadn't even really been all that upset at the time, not because he hadn't cared but because he knows what it's like to have strong feelings for someone and feel unable to act on them. He can't blame her for that. But even she hadn't been like this. Reid's knee brushes his and Luke's heart picks up speed again, his chest feeling warm and tight all at once, like something is squeezing him, unwilling to let go.
This isn't something he's going to just be able to ignore, he realizes. At some point he's going to have to find a way to deal with it one way or another, but he can't just go on ignoring it, pretending it isn't happening. Reid might see him as just a friend and no matter how hard Luke searches, he can't see a single gesture that might indicate otherwise. Everything they've done together, every conversation they've had, every experience, it could all be in friendship just as easily as anything else and Luke has never presumed to think someone might care for him as more than just a friend without presented with something obvious and concrete. What Reid has given him is friendship, pure and simple. Wonderful friendship, there's no denying that their connection is strong, but there's also nothing to indicate it might be something more.
But if he allows himself to ignore all that for just a moment, it does feel nice to have someone be close to him. It feels nice to have Reid's knee resting against his, even for such a short moment, and Luke smiles as he leans back against the couch and glances up toward the ceiling for a moment. He listens to the things Reid is saying to him, the wonderful compliments he's being paid, and he lets himself just enjoy the moment. Accept the things that are being said to him. Allow them to just slide into his mind and settle there instead of immediately rejecting them.
Looking back at his time in the Circle, there are many things he's ashamed of. Luke had been a weaker fighter; he and Hodge had been better with books, languages and history. It wasn't until Valentine, a year older, had taken them both under his wing that either of them flourished. Hodge had never become an accomplished fighter, but he'd found his weapon, and Luke had grown by leaps and bounds, even moreso when he and Valentine had become parabatai. They had worked so well together, complemented each others' fighting style. They'd trusted each other, they'd been bound together. In many ways, Valentine had made Luke into the warrior he'd become and he knows it's because of that he'd had such a hard time letting go.
Before Valentine he had been nothing. A poor orphan with a preference for books who wore shabby, patched up fighting gear because he and Amatis couldn't afford better than that. After Valentine he'd been a warrior. The second in command in the Circle. Someone to be feared. And perhaps that's it, he thinks. Perhaps that had been the moment he had realized something wasn't right, because Luke has never wanted to be feared.
"Lucian Graymark," he says after a moment of silence. "You said I became Luke Garroway and you don't know just how true that is. I was Lucian Graymark until I was twenty-one and it became necessary for me to have a less distinctive name, something less easy to track. That's why I named the store Graymark Books." His smile grows a little, becomes easier as he looks back down at Reid. "I'm glad. That we've become friends."
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This isn't something he's going to just be able to ignore, he realizes. At some point he's going to have to find a way to deal with it one way or another, but he can't just go on ignoring it, pretending it isn't happening. Reid might see him as just a friend and no matter how hard Luke searches, he can't see a single gesture that might indicate otherwise. Everything they've done together, every conversation they've had, every experience, it could all be in friendship just as easily as anything else and Luke has never presumed to think someone might care for him as more than just a friend without presented with something obvious and concrete. What Reid has given him is friendship, pure and simple. Wonderful friendship, there's no denying that their connection is strong, but there's also nothing to indicate it might be something more.
But if he allows himself to ignore all that for just a moment, it does feel nice to have someone be close to him. It feels nice to have Reid's knee resting against his, even for such a short moment, and Luke smiles as he leans back against the couch and glances up toward the ceiling for a moment. He listens to the things Reid is saying to him, the wonderful compliments he's being paid, and he lets himself just enjoy the moment. Accept the things that are being said to him. Allow them to just slide into his mind and settle there instead of immediately rejecting them.
Looking back at his time in the Circle, there are many things he's ashamed of. Luke had been a weaker fighter; he and Hodge had been better with books, languages and history. It wasn't until Valentine, a year older, had taken them both under his wing that either of them flourished. Hodge had never become an accomplished fighter, but he'd found his weapon, and Luke had grown by leaps and bounds, even moreso when he and Valentine had become parabatai. They had worked so well together, complemented each others' fighting style. They'd trusted each other, they'd been bound together. In many ways, Valentine had made Luke into the warrior he'd become and he knows it's because of that he'd had such a hard time letting go.
Before Valentine he had been nothing. A poor orphan with a preference for books who wore shabby, patched up fighting gear because he and Amatis couldn't afford better than that. After Valentine he'd been a warrior. The second in command in the Circle. Someone to be feared. And perhaps that's it, he thinks. Perhaps that had been the moment he had realized something wasn't right, because Luke has never wanted to be feared.
"Lucian Graymark," he says after a moment of silence. "You said I became Luke Garroway and you don't know just how true that is. I was Lucian Graymark until I was twenty-one and it became necessary for me to have a less distinctive name, something less easy to track. That's why I named the store Graymark Books." His smile grows a little, becomes easier as he looks back down at Reid. "I'm glad. That we've become friends."