Words escape him after Hild's series of questions because Reid isn't even sure where to begin. He isn't a prude, it's not her use of the word "fucking" that has him so wide-eyed, though it's not likely something that would ever come out of his own mouth; but he's stunned into silence because for weeks and weeks now, he's been wondering whether it's possible that Luke could feel even a fraction of the way Reid has and now there's Hild, someone who would be a perfectly neutral observer, implying what Reid's been hoping.
He clears his throat, setting his coffee cup between them before picking it right back up again because not having something to hold will only give him more reason to fidget. "What do you see?" he asks, glancing at her with curiosity. "When he looks at me, I mean. What do you see that's different?"
There's no sense in lying to her, and Reid wouldn't want to because he considers her a friend; but his feelings for Luke aren't something he's discussed with anyone, and he hadn't even confirmed anything about Maeve to anyone on the team but Alex because he hadn't wanted to spoil a good thing before it could even really begin. He regrets that now because he'd had so many wonderful things to say about her, but he'd waited too long and then she was gone, taken from him so cruelly and leaving him only with dreams of holding her in his arms the way he'd wanted.
Maybe it would be good to admit what he's been thinking to someone now, to talk it out and better understand his feelings with a friend who knows Luke, too.
"There's nothing to forgive," he says with a slight shake of his head. "It's different for everyone. In my world, the same was true. There could be love without marriage or marriage without love. People could choose to have sex without being in a relationship, or they might be together but decide they don't want to have sex. There are so many different choices people make that are valid if it works for them but not everybody agrees on a certain way of doing things. For me..."
He hesitates for a moment before steeling himself and continuing, "For me, when I love someone, it is with all my heart. I have been in a loveless relationship in which sex kept us together until it was not enough, I have been attracted to people without intention to pursue, and I have been so deeply in love that the loss of it threatened to undo me. The people in Darrow are from so many different places, that I cannot imagine we have all experienced the same ways of loving so I am afraid I cannot provide you with a definitive answer." He gives her a small, crooked smile. "I can only say that what I've been feeling now is not something I ever expected to feel again."
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He clears his throat, setting his coffee cup between them before picking it right back up again because not having something to hold will only give him more reason to fidget. "What do you see?" he asks, glancing at her with curiosity. "When he looks at me, I mean. What do you see that's different?"
There's no sense in lying to her, and Reid wouldn't want to because he considers her a friend; but his feelings for Luke aren't something he's discussed with anyone, and he hadn't even confirmed anything about Maeve to anyone on the team but Alex because he hadn't wanted to spoil a good thing before it could even really begin. He regrets that now because he'd had so many wonderful things to say about her, but he'd waited too long and then she was gone, taken from him so cruelly and leaving him only with dreams of holding her in his arms the way he'd wanted.
Maybe it would be good to admit what he's been thinking to someone now, to talk it out and better understand his feelings with a friend who knows Luke, too.
"There's nothing to forgive," he says with a slight shake of his head. "It's different for everyone. In my world, the same was true. There could be love without marriage or marriage without love. People could choose to have sex without being in a relationship, or they might be together but decide they don't want to have sex. There are so many different choices people make that are valid if it works for them but not everybody agrees on a certain way of doing things. For me..."
He hesitates for a moment before steeling himself and continuing, "For me, when I love someone, it is with all my heart. I have been in a loveless relationship in which sex kept us together until it was not enough, I have been attracted to people without intention to pursue, and I have been so deeply in love that the loss of it threatened to undo me. The people in Darrow are from so many different places, that I cannot imagine we have all experienced the same ways of loving so I am afraid I cannot provide you with a definitive answer." He gives her a small, crooked smile. "I can only say that what I've been feeling now is not something I ever expected to feel again."