Alec shook his head very slowly. Thinking this was Heaven had been so easy the first few days after he'd arrived. He'd concocted this fantasy in his head that he would be mourned as a hero, given a Shadowhunter's burial and provided honor to the Lightwood name. The days had passed and each day felt more real, less gauzy, less like a dream. His body was whole and his mind wouldn't stop tossing logical reasons this wasn't the afterlife at him.

"Not anymore," he answered quietly. "I don't know what that might be like but it's not like this. This is all too normal, too mundane. This is life. I'm alive."

That realization had hurt for awhile. Being alive meant he might be seen as a deserter to his family, to his people. The Clave could crush the Lightwoods, do worse than exiling him and it was all his fault. He couldn't go back and he couldn't stop it from happening. He got to live what he guessed some people thought was an idyllic life while people took his punishment for him. He hated being helpless.

"I'm not dead. You're not dead. Jason's not dead," he added after a moment. "We're all alive but that's about all I'm sure about when it comes to this place."