youfeelluckypunk | For Alec

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alec lightwood

For Alec

With all the information that's been uncovered for the vampire case, Reid has been busier than usual. Most nights, he comes home exhausted, though he's always grateful that Luke has take-out saved for him or has even attempted to cook him a meal. Today is a rare day off, though it's not one for his boyfriend, and Luke has the store closed for a bit while he goes out to get them lunch.

He should be up in the apartment relaxing, Luke has told him as much, but he doesn't think it'll come as much of a surprise that he's wandered down into the store instead to move inventory from boxes to shelves. Organizing is a form of relaxation, at least for him, though he pauses to get lost in a copy of War and Peace. He's about a quarter of the way through when he happens to glance up to find a familiar face peering through the storefront.

Grinning, Reid returns the book to the shelf and goes to unlock the door, holding it open to allow his visitor inside. "Alec, hi," he greets, "Luke told me you stopped by a while ago." It's been far too long since Reid has seen Alec, and he feels a bit of guilt for that, but he tells himself he'll make more time after the case is over. If ever it does truly end. "He's out grabbing lunch, I'll text him to buy for three."

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Having gotten to know Magnus better by now, it doesn't retroactively come as much of a surprise to Reid, either. Magnus seems to take a certain pleasure in showering attention over those who don't particularly seek it, though he hardly discriminates against those who do. Ultimately, the flirtation is harmless, enough so that it'd only made Luke roll his eyes and clearly doesn't offend Alec in the slightest to be told about it.

His smile does flicker, though, when Alec alludes to that other version of Darrow they'd ended up in, and he swallows hard as he turns back to the coffee. That'd been a difficult time for all of them, and it'd taken him longer than he would have liked to feel like he was... recovered from the experience. It doesn't haunt him as often anymore, for which he's grateful, but even thinking about it puts a bad taste in his mouth. So he tries to put it back out of his mind and forces his smile wider, perhaps even a bit unnaturally so, as he holds one of the coffee mugs out to Alec.

"Maybe 'type' isn't the right word for it," he says. "There's cream in the fridge, by the way. I've never really sought out any one particular kind of person in particular. Granted, I never really sought out anyone at all. The relationships I've been in, they all just... fell into place at the time. Luke and I did have to work a little harder to convince ourselves being more than friends wouldn't ruin anything between us but even then, it became so easy after we finally admitted how we felt about each other."

"I've never been in any kind of relationship before," Alec said, foregoing the sugar and cream and going with a black coffee today. It wasn't an every occurrence but he just liked coffee period and wanted something stiff and warm right now.

Alec peered down into the coffee, watching the light reflect off the dark surface before shaking himself free of the reverie. He'd never had a relationship before due to his own choosing. He'd been stuck on Jace for years and most of his time had been spent hiding that from everyone (including Jace) and doing his duty as a Shadowhunter. He'd looked at other men but never for very long and never overtly. No one ever knew what he'd wanted except Isabelle.

"I never sought period," he said, shrugging his shoulders. He knew he'd missed a lot but he didn't want to think too much about what he'd done to himself all those years. He was finally breaking away very, very slowly. "I thought I was in love with someone once. Not Magnus, this was before him. It was stupid."

"It's not stupid."

Reid doesn't have to know the details to feel confident saying that. He'd thought for a time that he was in love with Ethan, that he could see a real future with him. Reid had been much younger then and blindly optimistic that a man who wouldn't commit to a relationship even after a year of being together, a man who was so uncomfortable in his own skin that he didn't even want to hold hands in public, would be the best fit for him. It'd taken almost ten years to find the person who really was; but Maeve had been taken from him, and Reid had come to the conclusion that love probably just wasn't for him.

If not for Darrow, if not for meeting a certain someone in front of a coffee shop on his first day here, Reid would still be alone. He wouldn't have considered it a bad thing, it'd been something he accepted, but he's happier now that he isn't.

"Everything we go through is a learning experience," Reid continues, "whether we like it or not. Those experiences are what have shaped us, we wouldn't be the people we are now without them, and sometimes it can seem like the bad outweighs the good but... Here we are. I'm happy now. With Luke, with you and Isabelle and Magnus and all of you in my life, I'm happy. Are you?"

"I'm..."

Alec didn't know if he had anything to really compare it to, what he felt right now. He knew he'd had moments of happiness, moments where Jace had reached over and ruffled his hair or when Max had looked up to him, looked at him like Max usually looked at Jace or when Isabelle took his hand and smiled at him that he felt what he thought was happiness.

There were moments now, moments where Magnus kissed him after he'd just woken up or where Luke gave him a few books he'd set aside or where Reid sat there and just listened to him as intently as he'd ever seen anyone listen that he thought he might be happy.

"I'm close to it," he said, deciding that was as far as he'd go with saying what he felt. "I don't know if I've ever been happy before but I'm close to it. I like where I'm at right now."

"I know what you mean."

And he does, Reid isn't just saying that in an attempt to be relatable, he's never tried particularly hard to be relatable because he doesn't see a point in altering his own views or feelings just to appear more aligned with someone else's. It wouldn't help, after all, it would only begin to perpetuate the belief of being on the same page when really, deep down, there'd always be the deep-rooted knowledge that something isn't right. That's not what he's interested in, Reid doesn't need to surround himself with people who don't want to know him for him, and he thinks he's done a rather good job of staying in the company of those who care for him as he is.

Alec has become one of those people, which doesn't really surprise Reid because in that particular way, they're considerably alike. Alec may have his secrets, he may keep things bottled up inside, but he is who he is. No apologies necessary, even less made.

"I think before I got here, I was... Well, I was fine. Every time someone asked, I was fine. I'm fortunate that I can say differently now, but I think being genuinely happy comes with time. Experiences, both good and bad, until you reach a point where you realize you really are in a solid place. It's not just with others, either, it's with yourself. I mean, I'm not an expert on the subject or anything, it still feels pretty new to me, but it just takes work. Work that's worth it. In my opinion, anyway."

It did take work and sometimes, that work was overwhelmingly hard. It was hard to be open with one person let alone several, hard to let people see who he really was without panicking and closing up again because hiding would mean no one saw his weaknesses, his vulnerabilities, his desires and secrets. It meant he couldn't be hurt by anyone but himself and he'd been hurting himself for years.

He knew how to handle that pain.

"I'm always fine," he said which was as much agreement as it was a statement of fact. If he ever admitted that he wasn't fine, then something was seriously and terribly wrong.

"I guess sometimes I'd say I'm better than fine, lately," he admitted, letting himself smile for a brief moment. "Things have gotten better since I've gotten here. Things have changed."

Reid nods when Alec says he's fine. "I know you are. Me, too. Always fine." With most people, anyway. He's never had much interest in unloading his burdens on anyone, not without a great deal of pushing, and he'd always considered himself fortunate if his teammates were too busy with a case to notice he was struggling.

That's not something he can hide anymore, at least not with one person in particular, but Reid finds that he doesn't mind that at all. It's nice to know that he's always going to have someone in his corner. He's always going to have someone he can talk to without fearing judgment, without wondering whether he's going to lose another important person from his life. He's lost too many already, quite a few of them in this city have, and he's not interested in going through that again if he can help it.

"But I'm glad to hear things are better. You've got... certain people who might help you stay better than fine, even." There's no sign of mockery in his tone, no teasing. He knows Magnus is important to Alec and vice versa, it's something he can relate to perfectly well.

"You can say his name, I'm not...really trying to keep it a secret anymore," Alec said shyly. He'd tried that in the immediate aftermath of finally deciding he didn't want to stay away until he realized that literally no one cared who he was with. No one was going to report him to the Clave, no one was going to look at him with disgust, no one stopped talking when he entered the room and no one looked at him twice.

"I'm not broadcasting it to everyone or going out of my way to tell people but I'm not hiding him or anything," Alec said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Luke told me I should bring him over here for dinner or something before you came over with food and sweaters."

He's still never really sure with Alec, what's okay to bring up and what isn't, and Reid ducks his head to let out a sheepish laugh. "Sorry, I just wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Where I lived before Darrow, I didn't even talk much to people about my personal life." Even after he'd fallen in love with Maeve, he'd kept it quiet, not wanting anyone to know until he could finally see her face-to-face. Of course, that'd changed when Alex had found him out, and Reid hadn't been able to hide it any further when Maeve had been taken.

Sometimes it catches him off-guard to think of how much has changed for him since arriving in Darrow. He's more open with so many more people here, and he thinks that's because his friends aren't actually also his colleagues. There's a level of professionalism he'd felt he needed to maintain, even with Morgan and JJ, though some situations had called for betraying that feeling. He'd been afraid of putting all his weaknesses and insecurities on display, afraid it would cause a rift, a sense of distrust while out in the field, and Reid certainly hadn't wanted that. Looking back, he thinks he probably should have put more faith in his teammates, but he can't change the past. All he can do is appreciate what he has in the present.

"I'm glad you're easing into it Steps, that's what it takes. Oh, but whether or not you two come over for dinner, which you definitely should, I'll still bring you food and sweaters. There's just no avoiding it."

"I appreciate that," Alec said, sounding sincere. He knew that many people had walked on eggshells around him, gently encouraging but never pushing because they knew before even he did that he had to make the decisions, make the hard choices on his own. He'd struggled with taking risks because there was such a large margin for pain and disappointment.

He'd managed though even if he still felt the slight trepidation that came along with doing something you'd been afraid of doing for so long. He was managing though. He was.

"The dinner I can understand. I like to eat, I'm sure Magnus does too. He'll love being the center of attention but why the sweaters? Do I need better sweaters?"

"Not you, specifically," Reid tells him, though he thinks Alec could use a few more brighter ones. When he was younger, Reid had worn a lot of oversized sweaters and pleated pants in the beige to khaki range, mostly because he hadn't really cared one way or another what he looked like. As he'd grown older, though, Reid had started experimenting a bit more--cardigans and vests had evolved into three-piece suits in various colors and so forth. It's not so much that he wants people to think he looks good, more that he likes to feel fairly confident about his appearance himself. People hadn't taken him particularly seriously when he'd looked like he couldn't fit into his own clothes.

The only thing that hasn't changed is his affinity for wearing his Chucks. Perhaps not the most professional attire he could choose but even in Darrow, nobody's complained.

"They're just a universally acceptable gift," he continues. "It's all I'd get from my Aunt Ethel when I was a kid. Then again, Aunt Ethel also had a tendency to tell me I was too skinny and my hair was too long so maybe she's not the best person to use as a gift-giving model."

"People don't tend to give me gifts," Alec told him, shrugging. That had started to change since he'd gotten to this city, had started to change with him opening up to other people, letting people in and trying to be a friend instead of just a Shadowhunter who wanted nothing to do with anyone else.

"You don't need to bring me sweaters if you ever want to stop by," he assured Reid with a shake of his head. "I've managed to build up a good assortment of sweaters since I've gotten here."

Sure, they were almost all black and some of them had been ripped and wrecked on trips out with Isabelle but they were all still in one piece. Mostly. "Did you ever have long hair? Longer than it is, I mean."

He tried to imagine Reid with hair down his back and couldn't do it. Alec himself had let his hair get long at time or two but it tended to get in the way and so he'd tried to keep it fairly short as of late.

"I'll come up with something else," Reid says, and though he may sound as if he's teasing, he's already coming up with the different sorts of things he could take in lieu of sweaters.

That Alec doesn't tend to get gifts really just prompts Reid to want to provide him with more, not out of any need for gratitude or anything in return, simply because he knows how importance it is to feel like someone cares. He realizes that handing out material items isn't the only way to show that Alec is important to him, and Alec is surely well aware by now of how many people are really looking out for him; but at the same time, it's such a small gesture that Reid doesn't see any real reason to put a complete stop to it.

Maybe a subtle gift of a book here, a surprise lunch there, things that can be passed off as casual. He'd like to do the same for Isabelle, as soon as he's able to get a fuller idea of what she may be interested in.

"As for my hair, I'd argue it was never that bad," he says, tucking a loose strand behind his ear. "At a certain point, it was just below the shoulders. Kind of a starving artist situation. In my defense, I'd been recovering from being shot in the knee so hair maintenance wasn't my highest priority."

Edited 2016-02-28 08:38 (UTC)

Alec started to say that Reid really didn't have to get him anything but he stopped himself. He figured it would be a lost cause, that he wouldn't win the argument just like he'd never convince Magnus that he wasn't worthy of his attentions. His response was automatic, born of years of standing to the back, to the side, covering himself with shadows and shields that no one could penetrate.

Until now.

"I don't think I've ever let my hair get that long," he said, trying to picture Reid with hair long enough that Alec supposed could be tied back. Isabelle's hair had always been long and he tried to imagine Reid with hair like that and then had to shake himself when the two mental images combined and confused him. "It's been down around my ears before but I keep it short. Easier when I'm working."

"Well, at least you don't have an Aunt Ethel recommending you get a trim the second your hair grows below your ears," Reid says with a wry smile. He hasn't actually spoken to Ethel in years, not since he'd sent his mom to Bennington, and Reid wouldn't say he misses her but she'd still been a part of the life he'd left behind. As a whole, he misses aspects of it, certain people, certain things he doesn't have access to here. Most of all, he wishes he could introduce Luke to his mom, just so she can see how happy he is.

His smile tightens briefly, his eyes flickering to the floor before he meets Alec's gaze again.

"Luke seems to like me the way I am, anyway," he says, "that's good enough for me. It's nice to know there's at least one person in this city who accepts me for who I am, no matter the circumstances."

"I think Luke would like you if your hair was down to your feet," Alec said wryly. He didn't have a lot to compare it to since Jocelyn had been in a coma for the majority of time he'd known her and Alec had been mooning over from chair beside her hospital bed.

What he had seen was how Luke looked at Reid and how comfortable they were around each other. Alec was acutely observant sometimes and incredibly oblivious at others but even he could notice that. He just hadn't been able to notice someone who had been looking at him the same way.

"I don't have an Aunt Ethel," he confirmed with a shake of his head. "We don't see our family that often. If at all."

It's a testament to how deeply he believes in the strength of his relationship with Luke that Reid doesn't argue with that, merely smiles to himself because he can identify the truth in what Alec has said. Loving someone is different from acknowledging worthiness of another's love, and it's the latter Reid has always had so much more trouble with, at least up until he'd fallen for Luke. Being together is so easy, and that only serves to help remove any insecurities he might have had about being with his boyfriend. He doesn't question their connection like he might otherwise have been prone to do, and Reid feels a sudden surge of affection for Luke that brings a wider smile to his face.

"To be fair, I think the same could be said of how Magnus feels about you," Reid counters. "And I know it's not quite the same thing, but-- but I can be your Aunt Ethel." He pauses, frowning, because that hadn't come out quite as nicely as he'd hoped. "No, forget I said that. I just mean that when you end up somewhere like Darrow, the only real choice you have is to choose your own family. That's what you've become to me."

Alec sometimes wondered what would happen if his appearance radically changed when it came to Magnus. He was going to age, he knew, get older, lose the shroud of youth that he had now and he wondered. Magnus was always going to look as he did now, always young, but Alec wouldn't and it scared him to think what might happen when he wasn't young any longer. It scared him more than he let on.

"You're not my Aunt Ethel," Alec agreed with a quick shake of his head. He knew he had family out there, mostly in Idris, but they weren't close. He wasn't sure if that was a consequence of distance or because his parents had been in the Circle, had been Valentine's lackeys for awhile and now people didn't want to associate with Lightwoods because of that taint. "I like you better than any aunts I might have."

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For Alec

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